The Pretending Game

If you’ve forgotten that the race issue is omnipresent and powerful in America, click over to Jason’s post. I covered much of my opinion in…

by j. brotherlove

If you’ve forgotten that the race issue is omnipresent and powerful in America, click over to Jason’s post. I covered much of my opinion in my comment to his post. But, for prosperity sake, I will repeat and elaborate, here.

Until I moved to Atlanta, my life has always consisted of one of a few dark faces in a sea of white. From the day my family integrated our white neighborhood in Chicago through to my professional employment, I have always interacted and socialized with whites - without thinking about it much. But rarely did these events go by without a subtle reminder - from them, our surroundings, or myself - that I am not “the same”. I learned to straddle a lifestyle subjecting me to “you just trying to be white” comments from blacks and “wow, you’re really smart” condescension from whites.

Sometimes, you just can’t win.

Therefore, on occasion, I am guilty of pretending race doesn’t matter. I know that it does, but sometimes, it hurts less to pretend. It may seem bold to “keep it real in da hood” and adopt a “kill tha white people” mentality. But, I don’t hate white people. There is no real enemy (well, maybe there are some evil motherfuckers around, but that’s another topic). The tougher task for black men and women is accepting that 1] All whites are not prejudiced or racist and 2] Even if they were, their sheer numbers and ownership prevents me from completely ignoring their existence. I’m reminded when I watch network television; when I look at the pictures of the board of directors at work; when I order lox and bagels at the deli; and when I look through the racks at Abercrombie & Fitch. But, I suck it up and keep moving.

It’s difficult to strive for success while navigating racial bullshit. Without concrete ancestral grounding, how do I maintain racial integrity while projecting a non-threatening attitude? When do I call out bullshit and when do I silence myself to protect my own progress? And how do I know who to trust?

For 7th and 8th grade, I was bussed to a white school as part of a city program and made a few white friends in my classes. One day, I was in the hall with one of my white friends and told her I’d forgotten my pick (back in the original afro days). So, she let me borrow her comb. As we walked into class, she discreetly retrieved the comb and slid it in her back pocket. I will never forget how I felt that day.

This isn’t one of those occasions I am guilty of pretending race doesn’t matter.

it’s an amazing thing reading all these intensely personal accounts of growing up and searching for identity while navigating the maze of racial attitudes. how do you find the balance, and further, how do you work for change without upsetting the balance to the extent that it does more harm than good?

i just reread the post i wrote yesterday and it’s filled with defensiveness and some of those complexes i mentioned. what i want more than anything is to have open dialogs between people of all races and backgrounds. i think we are generally uncomfortable discussing these things, as Jason said, it’s not something that’s talked about. and that’s because to do so, requires white people to acknowledge that we’re still in charge (well, it’s actually the rich white *men* that are in charge) and that prevailing attitudes are still a problem, a huge problem, although a much more subtle problem than they were before.

looking at both the civil rights movement and the women’s movement, any change like this starts out with protest and anger and struggle. then things improve, and it quiets down, and is talked about less as it continues … in silence. it was said in several comments at Jason’s yesterday - silence is the enemy.

and thanks for sharing this.

No condescending here, my friend. Like every one else, I just want to leave a better world for my children then when I found it. Good post.

If race was not an issue, if ethnicity was never an issue, if religion was not an issue this world would probably never understand the richness of our experiences. The only time being of African, Irish, Iraqi, Japanese descent, being Christian, Jewish, Islamic or Hindu, being gay or straight does not matter is when you never see but your own kind. What a poor existence you would lead, and what a shock it would be when you find His Holiness has created a wide variety of exactly the same creature. Most people live in as shallow of an experience. Some try to grow beyond it, some close their minds.

We all try thinking that part of our lives ‘do not matter.’ Do we dislike ourselves? Do we wish not to attract attention to that part of ourselves? Are we deluded to think that others will not care about ‘labels’ and care about the individual?

There is no way I can ever know what you go through on a daily basis with as obvious of a character trait relative to your ‘peers’. I won’t pretend to ever know. From following this blog, I know you have the most important charater trait; you have character. That should be your most obvious trait.