Let’s Be Friends

After a week of phone tag, I spoke with Nix, tonight. Amongst the latest Nix News, she and her boyfriend have separated. Or rather, he…

by j. brotherlove

After a week of phone tag, I spoke with Nix, tonight. Amongst the latest Nix News, she and her boyfriend have separated. Or rather, he flipped out and broke up with her in a passive-aggressive/pussy man sort of way - perfectly illustrating how people don’t know how to break up. She’s aware of their incompatibilities and even agrees separation is the best outcome (the method, however…) What seems to irritate her most is that they won’t be friends after this. I asked her why was that important since she’s never really remained friends with her other ex’s.

And then it hit me like a boomerang: I’ve never remained friends with ex’s, either. I know many people who have. Lesbian and gays tend to have more than their share of lover-cum-friends. But, not me. I don’t plan it, that way. Just happens; or not, as the case may be. I’m not sure I know why I have this dynamic with past lovers and how bad (or good) a thing it is. As an adult, I should be able to maintain healthy relationships with these individuals. But, there’s one huge obstacle: How can I be friends after a break up when I was never really friends before?

Hmmm… That’s right, I can have “relations” with “ships” without the “friends” anchor. How much does that suck? My history’s motto has been: After it’s done, it’s done. It’s almost like it never happened. Oh, but the emotional scars remain, so something happened. And even as I reflect on it now, I can’t think of any ex boy/girlfriends I’d want to hold a conversation with for more than 15 minutes. I mean, I’ve always had plenty of friends and associates. What the hell do I need with another friend? Another birthday to remember? More gifts to buy?

Geezus, I’m starting to sound selfish. But, as a defense, can I mention that the straw that breaks my relationships’ back generally centers on an element germane to friendship building - at least, for me. What - you ain’t buying it? I’m not sure I am, either.

That was the past (I hope). Friendship is an area I’m working on with XL. In fact, when I called it quits in February, I extended a hand of friendship which was initially rejected. But, these days, I attempt to let him into little corners of my life that I “reserve” for friends. In a way, it’s a win-win situation. The only way we can reunite as a bonafide couple is to have a real friendship. And even it we don’t. Would it be so bad to have one more friend?

In my opionion, no. I’ve had so many friends after relationships (with the most notable exception of one which turned violent - I should write a short film on that one).

And who says you both can’t be friends and have a relationship also? (See also Anzi’s blog).

I can count on one finger the number of exes I’m still friends with. Remarkably, she helped plan my wedding, something that to this day makes me shake my head in wonderment.

Usually, when a relationship I’m in comes to an end, there’s a faint smell of fire, brimstone, and charred wood. I burn bridges all over town. I even burned the bridge between D. and myself, but somehow, someway, we found our way back to each other and remain very close friends.

I’m not what I would call friends with any of my ex’s. I talk to a couple of them from time to time, and we’re civil now. But we’re - none of us - ace boon coons and what not.

Unless a breakup is civil and mutual (and unfortunately, none of mine have been), I don’t see how you could be friends. My philosophy: Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. And even if I do become friends with an ex, it would be after a period of time. I think it’s unhealthy to just spring into a friendship right after a break-up. You need time to adjust to the new dynamics of your relationship.

Just a few thoughts.

my comment here got so long that i’m turning it into a blog of my own. people sometimes wonder where i am when i haven’t blogged in a length of time. truth is, i’m adding pages to the comments of everyone else’s blogs. *grin*

I’m not friends with my exes. In most cases we weren’t really “friends” before the relationship so when the relationship ended their wasn’t a friendship to go back to and neither of us wanted to “build” a new friendship.

Beyond that I completely agree with Anitra that exes are exes for a reason.

Interesting… These are not the responses I expected; especially from the women (lol @ the image of Cecily burning bridges “all over town”). Hurry up with tha post, Lisa!

I agree that if the split isn’t amiable then the friendship thing is almost unthinkable. But, I’m not friends in the best of separations. I’m wondering how much does this have to do with hurt feelings, anger, abandonment issues, etc. Does your “friendship” potential” change based on who broke up with whom?

And where are the fellas? (Other than EJ, who has a disturbing 99% success rate transforming his ex’s into friends).

I do believe it is possible to be friends when a relationship comes to a end only if you were friends to begin with.

I am following lisa’s example and will write a post of my own to express myself.

I know I’m late….. who’s gonna read this? What struck me is that when I start thinking about being friends after the fact, I too realize that I don’t wanna be friends! Sometimes (oh, sad admission) I realize that I wouldn’t pick this person to be my friend, regardless. That’s so sad. I’m thinking of the people I’ve been intimate with, just out there walking around, with intimate knowledge of my body, and I don’t even like or respect them! So now, if I were single, I’d be thinking first “Would I want to be just friends?” like why would I want to sleep with someone if I didn’t like them as a friend? Man, now I’m going to be thinking of this for a while.

First of all, mo, I will read this. And those who check the Water Cooler section on the front page will, as well.

Secondly, you touched on the very essence of what I was getting at (and you took less words to do it). What does it say about me to be able to have relationships (trysts are a different story) with people I don’t want as a friend?