Death & The Million Dollar Question

My grandmother (my mother’s mom) passed away, yesterday. She was very ill, so my mother went to attend to her on Monday. I am saddened…

by j. brotherlove

My grandmother (my mother’s mom) passed away, yesterday. She was very ill, so my mother went to attend to her on Monday. I am saddened but not as much as would be expected because 1] I don’t have close bond to my family and 2] my grandmother wanted to die.

There is a lot of sickness and death on my mother’s side of the family (one reason why I don’t expect to live long). But, through all of the funerals, arrangements and such, my mom has been a pillar of dependability and strength. This time, according to my father, she isn’t taking it so well. So, he is hopping on the next Amtrak train to be with her.

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Can I get some of that?

I don’t know if I’m experiencing residue emotions from my last relationship or my age, but this single thing isn’t as glamorous as it looks or used to be. The major benefit is freedom which I love. However, my "freedom" manifests itself through sex, mostly. That’s it. Do I really need all of this "freedom" for that? I am dilatory in achieving goals and having a motivating hand is a benefit for me. But at what cost? (I’m quoting Ex Lover who gave this response when I congratulated him on his promotion and approaching graduation).

I like being part of a couple; ironic because most of my relationships have an 11-month shelf life. But I know stability and longevity exists and I want that (omigod, I’m turning into Ally McBeal).

I used to think that being in a relationship was about compromises. And it is, to an extent. But, there has to be a balance between what I am willing to give and take. I’ve never established these boundaries in the past. Instead, I compromise - or rather - give in too much of my true identity (to facilitate the relationship), then lose myself and become unhappy and resentful. I need someone who will love me for who I am, as is. Any changes must be self-generated or inspired, not ordered or even expected. And, more importantly, I need to discern between those who are infatuated with my possibilities and those who are satiated by my realities. A perplexing task for a man who romanticizes relationships the way that I do.

I’ve discovered that the problem really is me. I don’t present the full package before (figuratively) saying "I do". I have to change that approach. I’ve always felt that others won’t accept, understand or tolerate all of me. I only allow myself to be fully realized when I’m single (which is probably why people are more attracted to me, then). But, as things get serious, I tone down my sexuality and artistic expression. I give away my freedom - and it backfires, with one exception: K-Rose.

My relationship with K-Rose had its faults but, one unique strength was that he encouraged me to pursue my artistic itches (at that time, writing and photography). Although he was 8 years my senior and didn’t indulge in my fascination with clubbing and gallery hopping, he enjoyed my work and even inspired the title, urbanerotica.

I don’t know why I’ve never insisted on that type of emotional support form a partner since, but I feel it is vital, now. And if I don’t meet that person, I have to make peace with that, too. But, right now, I seek freedom and companionship. Can freedom exists within a relationship?

That is the motherfuckin’ million dollar question.

Under the influence of: a moment of clarity.