Challenging The State Of Independence
Testing the waters on this socializing thingby j. brotherlove
Despite my innate love of humanity and desire for authentic connection with others, I am not an overwhelmingly, social person. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to be engaging and cordial. Indeed, when I’m forced into the situation, I can be quite charming. However, it doesn’t come naturally to me. In fact, it’s downright uncomfortable.
Which is why holidays are generally “No Big Deal” for me. I’m an independent person by nature and not prone to stand in a crowd of folk for any length of time unless it’s at a concert. Give me some barbecue and a stack of DVDs and I’m good for the day, basically. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know about A-List functions until after they’ve happened.
But I’m attempting to change that. I realize that meeting people, knowing people, is an advanatge. It’s also good for the soul. Socially, as well as professionally, I’m attempting to interact with more people. It’s hard breaking old habits, though; especially when dealing with old constructs.
I solicited two of my cooking buddies but neither one was particularly “gung ho” about barbecuing. Oops. Obviously for this new, more social brotherlove to be successful, I’m going to have to meet more people.
Loverboy stepped up to the plate, buying a cheap grill from Walgreens and grilling up a storm of food on the patio. He’s gangsta like that. By 2:00 on July 4th, I was stuffed, tipsy and sleepy. And I didn’t even have to put on any clothes. My kind of holiday!
But that’s not going to get me out of my individualist rut, Luckily, this holiday weekend collided with an invitation to a pool party. Cool, right? Not really — thebrotherlove doesn’t do pool parties. And let me tell you why.
In my world, pool party invitations are usually extended by shady homosexuals and judgmental Judys, drowning in delusional fabulousness. These events are often populated by two groups: 1] the gym bodies who stand around the pool flirting with other gym bodies and ignoring most of the un-gym bodies and 2] the un-gym bodies sitting around the pool socializing with other un-gym bodies and watching the gym bodies out the corner of their eye.
I’d rather have a V-8.
However, Loverboy insisted we go for at least a little while. After all, I am attempting to climb out of my shell and the party was given by an interesting couple we met at one of Affair With Flair’s networking functions. And really, that was the first sign that things might be different. Affair With Flair holds some classy, alternative events for the 30-plus, non-heterosexual crowd in Atlanta. Perhaps this wouldn’t be such a bad thing to so. Plus, shyness can be perceived as arrogance; I didn’t want to appear as if I was above attending their party.
When we arrived, the pool party had already begun to take shape. People were eating, talking, laughing and *gasp* swimming! That’s right, people were using the pool for more than a watery runway. The home and property could lend itself to snobbery. But the crowd was very down-to earth and welcoming; not the stare-and-be-stared-at type of folk. I chilled in a lawn chair with a cocktail and had good conversations with different men and women interested in more than just the everyday yin yang.
Of particular treat was the opportunity to interact with black, gay men over 50 (some over 60) in a social setting. The ability to glimpse the future, past 40, past retirement and still see life, fun and silliness was a liberating feeling and somewhat of a luxury for me.
In general, as black, gay men get older, we tend to disappear from public. This is understandable when our clubs and events cater to gay men who are perpetually young. But at a point that scene gets old long before the crowd.
When I was finally ready to leave (not wanting to fall asleep in the lawn chair) I felt renewed and hopeful. I also felt like I had hopped a mini-hurdle by attending the pool party. I know I still have work to do in this area so I expect I’ll attend more functions. Push the envelope a little; it never hurts. I may even get into to pool next time.
Just kidding.
Is this a Piscean thing, because I’m not exactly the social butterfly either. I mean a little hobnobbing here and there is cool, but I’m not a socialite by far. Good for you for getting out and meeting good people in this city.
Can I borrow this for the book I’m writing about being Black, gay and over 40?
There is such a need to find other types of diversions from the whole club/bar, dress up and throw shade affairs, it isn’t even funny. I’m too old for that. And in the absence of alternatives, I’d just as soon stay home.
I’m feeling the need/want to be more social as well but I’ve been such an anti-social person for a long time that it’s hard to get out of that rut. I’m also incredibly discerning on who I want to spend time with. Combine the two together and you get me still being basically social-less. So I applaud you for stepping it up.
Well, for me, it takes a drink or two before I can socialize with the gym bodies. I know I’m not their type, but I don’t care. I just chat-chat-chat away with the same level of confidence that was absent pre-Vodka.
I never worry about what I’ll be doing (or where I’ll be “doing”) once I hit 40. I’m pretty sure, by that time, I’ll be surrounded with enough loved ones that the only parties I’ll be attending will be in my fabulous mansion.
That is probably the ONLY un-Piscean thing about me- I am SUCH a social butterfly and ALWAYS want to hang out with new people. As long as they are paying attention to ME. hahahaha. kidding. sort of.
And what is this about being FORCED to be charming? lol- I think thats one of the best things about you - at least the little time I have spent with you. You’re very charming and you smile and laugh a lot.
“When we arrived, the pool party had already begun to take shape. People were eating, talking, laughing and *gasp* swimming!”
LMAO!!!
Nah, it’s not a Pisces thing (although I do have a Pisces ascendant, so…). Being overly social is uncomfortable for me, too. Even though people tell me I come across all charming and engaging, 8 times out of 10, on the inside, there’s a secret me gritting her teeth and bearing it. I like being social on my own terms. I can do without a teeming crowd, thank you, and prefer a smaller set. But I’m trying to come out of my shell, even when I’m just connecting one-on-one. Old habits die hard, but I’m getting there bit by bit. I applaud you for pushing the envelope, or just..nudging it. :)
i am a shy pisces and my shyness this leads to think that i am either a snob, or that i am younger than i am especially when i am not comfortable in the surroundings. or maybe i just feel that i come off that way because, like anitra, people tell me that i am charming and engaging and are SURPRISED when i say that i am shy.
go figure….
im gonna let it flow… as i read your post i can’t help to think how much we have in common. although hard to believe i am actually quite shy. once someone approaches me though i can be quite the charmer. maybe all us shy men can have a little shy party and charm the pants off each other. im just saying!!!!
and women. :-)
Lots of Asian guys tend to disappear into the background as they get older as well. That is, if they even come out of the closet at all.
Damn B love,
were we at the same pool party? isn’t it disconcerting to know that the mindset in the gay community is ogling the next hot thing in their immediate view? how tired.
being already over 40, black and gay, and anti-social makes it difficult to connect for sure.
add the fact that my social butterfly friendman loves to makes engagements for us without my knowledge….oooh can you feel my pain?
thanks for putting it into words.
welcome back.
See I’m not gay (hope that’s ok), but as an Introvert I am not a social person either. Being around too many people over-stimulates me and tires me out. I have to prepare mentally for a party/social event waaaaaaay ahead of time. Also quiet introspective folks like me do come off as arrogant to Extroverts—but that’s just not fair! And we shouldn’t have to appologize for not being social-loud-talking butterflies. Although I do applaud and admire your efforts. Fortunately, I am a good enough actress that I can “play” the charming social maven at a party (and at work) when I absolutely have too—and yes a good martini does help. It’s sorta like faking an orgasm. Of course after a social event I need to be alone for hours/days just to rejuvenate.
you inspire me. see i’m a leo, but not your average leo. i can be the life of the party, but it’s not usually by choice. i have an introverted side that makes me just sit back and observe a lot of the times. but i realize, lately, that as i’m getting older and friends are marrying and moving away, i need to widen my social circles. i’ve been staying to myself a lot in the past year, also a result of my relationship going the long distance route, but you’re making me see that i really need to start getting out again more. in the past, i was out all the time, not necessarily the social butterfly, but out b/c i knew my career depended on it, and well, i was interested in a lot of things.
in general, club scenes, bar scenes, are for da youth dem - so what do we over 30s do? hope i’m as lucky to find groups like the one you did in this post.
The party sounded very relaxing, mentally and phsically.
This is a great post. I have similar feelings as well regarding socializing. People think I’m quiet and I am to a certain point, but some of those people tend to think my quietness is a form of anti-socialism. I’d never call it that. I just feel, if I don’t have anything to say to you, I just don’t. If I do have something to say, I will.
I’m all for you lovin’ your man and shit, but I’d like to read something else. Update, MAYUN!!!
Heh, heh. Don’t trip Elle. Did you not read about all the ish I’m dealing with right now? And I did post this week’s lovesong; so it’s not like I’m totally neglecting this space.