Breakup. Breakdown.

We speed through Midtown traffic, Loverboy and I. I behind Loverboy; trying to keep up because he gives shitty directions and I don’t know where…

by j. brotherlove

We speed through Midtown traffic, Loverboy and I. I behind Loverboy; trying to keep up because he gives shitty directions and I don’t know where we’re going. Or why. He speeds through a yellow light, so I speed through a red. I try his mobile again; no answer — straight to voicemail. He’s on the phone and isn’t clicking over. He does that sometimes.

Frustrated, I cut off an elderly woman in a Camry to catch up to Loverboy’s car. He’s still two cars ahead. Suddenly, he jerks toward the curb and hops out the car. I see something drop from his hand as he runs into an apartment building.

I park and pick up his phone on the way into the building. I don’t even know what apartment unit he ran into. I climb the stairs and hear his voice. Walking into an open apartment I find Loverboy kneeling on the kitchen tile with his friend, Judy. The two of them are leaning over Judy’s friend. Judy’s friend’s body, actually. From their faces and a few spatters of blood, I realize Judy’s friend is dead. Suicide.

Loverboy jerks awake. He does that sometimes. He sleeps on my chest so when he moves, I move. His own bad dream made him jerk. Something about his car being run off the road while driving to visit his family. I share my suicide dream and he finds it ironic because Judy, in fact, has a friend who’s having trouble “keeping it together” after a breakup. We discover later, that yet another associate of Loverboy has been hospitalized for the same reason. All over town, breakups are leading to breakdowns.

When I was younger I would hear about guys “losing it” and freaking out” after their boyfriend left them. I used to think, if that were to happen to me, what would I do.

Loverboy and I tried to envision the type of relationship or situation that would lead to such a dramatic action as trying to kill oneself when it ends. Who knows, really. It happens to the “best” of them. It’s certainly normal to feel remorseful about a breakup; even depressed. But some people can’t handle it; can’t deal with the lonliness, rejection, and calvacade of other smothering emotions. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often in same-sex relationships. I mean, it’s not like there’s a universal law on how we should develop same-sex relationships anyway. Most of us tend to model our relationships after heterosexual ones.

I modeled most of my relationships after my parents. They are a quiet couple, slow to anger, very accepting and they don’t yell or curse. They lead closely related yet, distinct, lives it seems. And it works for them. Or appears to. They are still married to this day.

Loverboy has had a more traditional upbringing. His family is large and his household was no stranger to loud arguments and focusing on masculine roles. As you can imagine, our relationship models clash so we have to work on them and remain conscious and open to the other’s feelings. Neither of us got that from our parents. Let’s face it, straight folks don’t know what the hell they are doing in their relationships half the time, either.

But, if not in a relationship, then what? The gay “lifestyle” alone, is almost enough to slit your wrist if you are in the high percentage of folk who don’t fit a “physical ideal” or image. It’s easy to feel “rescued from the gay ghetto” when a relationship comes our way. We can breathe easier, it seems. Until, of course, it ends. Then we are thrust back into the scene. Most of us make it through with a few bruises but otherwise, okay.

We need more dialogue about ways (because there certainly isn’t just one way) to start, maintain and end same-sex relationships. We need to be more vocal about our emotions and experiences because that helps others which, in turn, helps us all. But it’s more difficult than we usually admit. As Anitra puts it: “I think it’s hard to have a healthy anything when you are part of a society that does not really value you.” I agree with her. So hard to start. So hard to maintain. And in some cases, so hard to end.

But not impossible.

Go ahead. Depress me some more on a Monday morning.

Relationships. What are those again?

woww some dream, relationships are a job little pay hard work

you are so right, j…we do need more relationship dialogue…if not with the world (i.e., via a blog), then at least with a few close “somebodies.” we can all learn something. and perhaps be less inclined to make the same mistakes that others have made, or that we have made, ourselves.

what anitra said is so dead-on, it’s scary. people wonder why non-heterosexual relationships can be more difficult, whether you’re finding one, nurturing one, or ending one…but it seems so obvious. and then when you add the dimension of race which, in this society, can make one feel even less valued….*sigh*

i agree w/lashundra that relationships are hard work…but the payoff can be immeasurable, and way more than worth the effort.

I think that space is an issue that is really (for myself) the crux of the matter. Because we’re similar, yet have our hands in many different pies each day, we have to recognize that space is important. However….

Oftentimes, there is such a thing as allowing so much space that sometimes we may feel neglected. When that happens, we have to make conscious decisions to sit in the same room for a period of time, or to go out on dates, or to even do such a thing as a vacation…and as we all know, both a job and monetary needs can upset that balance.

It’s never easy to try to hold a balanced situation, since so many things can offset that in the smallest of timeframes. We have to constantly remind ourselves to look around and make sure that all the tables and chairs in our relationship are still upright. It can be as small as going out and getting food, or as large as spontaneous trips for either one or both of us.

As long as at the end of the day, we can smile at the accomplishments, sleep in the same bed, and wake up with a fresh mind…well, that’s what we strive for. And no, it isn’t the easiest thing since sliced bread, but it is maintainable.

(I’m sure this may have sounded as clear as mud, but hopefully some of it will make sense.)

when my mom divorced my dad….he was so broken up, he had seizures and was very depressed. to this day, 20 years later, he still pines for my mom even after she re-married and he has never had another love interest…never spoke about another man or woman and even claims to have certain difficulties being around me because i look so much like my mom…. breakdowns after break ups can be a mess.

understanding each other differences are very important. its gives a preview to potential bumps in the road. and with a clear undersatnding, we know that we’ll experience some drama. but that same drama will help us figure out what works for us. we know that our relationship is not like other relationships because WE aren’t quite like other individuals. it’s basically about trial and error.

I think back to the unhealthy same-sex relationships I have had. One comes to mind as the epitome of lesbian relationship dysfunction. *lol* Even though it was about as unhealthy as cancer, I had a major breakdown during and after it was over. I think sometimes people go through this in same-sex relationships (and especially when race is introduced into the picture) because those relationships are our refuge, our refuge from family and friends and a society that doesn’t understand, doesn’t support us. Our relationships become the place where it’s OK to love someone who looks like us (on a number of different levels - racially and gender-wise).

The problem is when we decide that we’ll suffer anything just to maintain that refuge. Like a “something is better than nothing” attitude.

I’m rambling. Let me think more about this and come back. :)

Brainstorm…

Ironically, I was fixin to post something on the general topic of relationships and such on my blog sometime this week anyway. In the interest of furthering this dialogue, how about if everyone who has a blog and wants to post thoughts on this topic trackback to j so that there can at least be some kind of link to it all.

Get a load of Bernie talking trackbacks like a blog virtuoso!

Anitra, please come back because that is the very track I was on. Relationship as refuge (especially for those of us who do not neatly fit into one group) is a warning sign. To counter that, we need balance. Balance is an important component in maintaining “sanity” in a relationship and definitely during a breakup.

In the past, I have done a very bad job of balancing my life when I am in a relationship. I pretty much throw my entire self into my relationship. Not good; and not easy to change. Even now, I have check with myself to make sure *I* am still present in my relationship with Loverboy. He does a good job of being sensitive to that. But ultimately, it’s my responsibility not to get “lost” in my relationship. I’m still working on it.

I’m gon’ keep coming back until I’ve said all there is to say. *lol*

Anyway, relationship as refuge. I too, have to watch that, watch that I don’t just become a specter, as opposed to a person who has her own quirks, needs and characteristics and personality outside of the relationship. It’s something I work very hard at, even now, when I’m in the healthiest relationship of my life. This also contributes to the breakdown that happens in the wake of a breakup.

When you throw your whole self into a relationship, and that relationship ends/dissolves/whatever, who are you? Where is that self? Your self is not clear, not whole. And then you’re alone again, seeking the refuge from that lack of understanding and support I talked about earlier (which can also lead to a lot of self-loathing, but that’s another story, or perhaps a sub-story). It’s a cycle.

my fellow love brotha,…..

your writing is so full of color and drama…….. wow!!!!! *insert smile here*

OK…I promise I’ll stop. *lol*

As a P.S. I don’t know that viewing a relationship as refuge is inherently bad. I think many people, including those who have a healthy balance in their lives, find a certain kind of solace in their relationships that they don’t find anywhere else. Perhaps it’s the level of intimacy that relationships (not just romantic either) can provide, that sense of connection to another person that maybe we all hunger for on some basic human level.

I do think there’s a line though, between healthy solace and dysfunctional refuge.

I think what EJ was trying to say was knowing, setting, and honoring boundries in a relationship. Many times, we tend to get caught up in the “OURS” in a relationship so much so that we lose the “MINE”, which is so very important. Its OK for me to have MY friends, MY stuff, and MY time and still respect the OUR’s.

EJ and I were just talking the other day about how much work any relationship is. With all the benefits and bonuses, comes the work - communication, comprimise, and mutual respect. None of it comes easy and often we can be clouded by the essence of being in a relationship which distracts us from the truth. But this is a subject that just can’t be done justice in the blogspace. We need to dialoge with our partners, our friends, our family, and even strangers. But now I’m babbling so in the words of Mistagaskin - Aiight, I’m gone!

almost a week ago, i blogged about my relationships as sanctuary or refuge…and what that means for me now, as the best and healthiest and most cherished relationship of my life is changing in a pretty dramatic way. it seems many of us are traveling similar wavelengths these days….

it’s easy to throw your whole self (or most of it) into a relationship, especially if you believe that being in a relationship, and being a good partner, are the things you do best. but once it’s over (or there is, at least, that possibility)…you’re back to just you. you’re forced to figure out who and what you are, on your own. it’s scary…to have to do that, and to realize that perhaps you weren’t at your best or your healthiest in the relationship, after all.

Relationships? Jesus - I’m still struggling to get along with myself.

Many of us “bloggers” write about politics, media reviews and daily activities with zest. Seldom do I read conversations about something as fundamental as relationships with such eloquence. Thank everyone participating in this discussion.

I don’t frame any views here as “babbling”. They are all illuminating in one way or another. Some comments are well-formed and others follow a train of thought. All are great insights on relationships. I think blogspace is a great place to begin this type of discussion as it offers a comfort level not afforded in a conventional roundtable atmosphere. I think we all agree we should talk about these things with our friends, lovers, and family more often; but we don’t.

Perhaps a question I should ask (in another post?) is how often do online discussions affect your offline life. I witness bleed through in my “lives” all the time. Events in my “real” life and pressing thoughts are chronicled on this site and reactions from others to those events and thoughts regularly breed additional and alternative considerations. I hope this online discussion does the same.

You said, “I think we all agree we should talk abou tthese things with our friends, lovers and family more often; but we don’t.”

So true. I think it’s a secrecy thing. Maybe because we are taught to hide ourselves and our relationships away from the world, we develop this habit of secrecy or silence. Where we just don’t discuss any of it, the fact that we are in same-sex relationships or whether those relationships are good or bad. Or maybe it’s a shame thing. As for myself, I wonder why I don’t talk about my relationships more openly (online and off) and I think there’s an element of shame there. And still, I’m silent. I still don’t discuss details of my relationships (past or present, romantic or non) with many people. I should, but I don’t.

Damn - how did I miss this conversation? After my breakup, I broke down, took inventory, and closed shop. It’s a powerful thing, these same-sex relationships. Because of so much negativity and unabashed hate towards homosexuals, a “relationship” (in the loosest sense of the word) does seem like a safe haven — a good place to escape everything. But often times we lose ourselves in that notion so much that when the relationship ends, we’re left all alone, and still wanting that same security and comfort that another person can bring.

But you know what I think changes this? Perception. Some people get into relationships and give it a time limit. Maybe it’s so both people won’t be hurt, but often times, the other person doesn’t know when the clock’s gonna strike twelve and their prince turns into a cloud of smoke. Even when you’re single and “in the life”, some people look at you like “oh, you don’t have a man” — as if to say “oh, you’re incomplete”. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

How’s that for clear as mud?

I’m a little late with this one, Brotherwub, but I have this much to say.

I know of a few dudes that say they had it hard growing up gay because of family, intolerance, etc. The only reason I’ve ever felt like I never wanted to be gay is because of dealing with men. Sometimes men frustrate me so much that I wish I was straight. I am not sure how different it’d be if I was straight, if women would make me react the same way, but I doubt it. I honestly do believe my relationships would be significantly different if I dated women, simply because as a man, I know exactly how trifeling and animalistic we can be.

That said, I think as much as we try to say our m/m and f/f relationships are similar to m/f (in the interest of tolerance), we do need to realize that they are greatly different on a number of levels.

That was just to comment on a tiny part of your post.

Prime said it well.. knowing, setting and honoring boundaries. How does one find them?? For me, it’s now all about trial and error.. communicating and sharing things on a timely basis. I can’t be afraid of “what could be”….. Having been through the losing one’s self in another person, nasty breakup, anger, depression spin before… I took a LOOOOONG look at myself and learned to “let it go”.

My theme is the Jazzyfatnastees line “why do you defeat you, let the past mistreat you… you don’t wanna let it go. No one else can help you… only you can free you… but you gotta let it go”. Dayam I wished that song had come out when I was going through all of that… then again.. I may not have taken the long process of better understanding me. Not to say I’m now a coldhearted mf (shut up j.), but my whole thought process has changed. I’m no longer an emotional thinker… I kick into logical and common sense mode a lot quicker now.

I own and understand my emotions… no one makes me feel anything…. after all, it comes from inside of me. I’ve better learned to recognize it, understand it and respect it… then move my azz forward. It’s now “I feel” where it used to be “you MADE me feel”. Holding on to anything takes much more energy than letting it go and moving ahead… be it in a relationship or as a single man.

Once again, I’m soooo late to the party. But I do enjoying reading all the dialogue this has created. You’re so right there in the diagnosis. Although I guess there are no simple answers.

Getting to a nuanced balance is key though.