Assessing The Dating Game
Am I ready for this?by j. brotherlove
Emotionally, this week has been a bust. On the plus side, I have a diverse client base. On the minus side, I don’t have a life outside of design (unless Final Fantasy XII counts). I’m wondering if a good date could restore my faith in humanity; or at least put me in a better mood.
Last week, BronzeBuckaroo blogged about a black male couple who recently signed civil union documents in New Jersey (including a photo in Jet Magazine). Images like that, as rare as they are, trigger an emotional response from me. How sweet is that?
Ah… but dating. That seems like a monster I want no parts of. I’ve never been very good at dating more than one person at a time. Yet, dedicating my attention to one individual for 2-3 months only to discover they are a flake seems inefficient. Besides, according to Karsh, Gay dating is dead… and gay men killed it:
Karsh’s dating fiascoes are legendary but Kevin, “a warrior for the rights of fat-fem me to be sexy, beautiful, attractive”, recently placed an ad on a popular website for Black gay men and made some profound conclusions of his own:Clubs and bars? Exercises in futility. Approaching a guy on the street? Could be cruisin’ for a bruisin’. The Internet? Really only good for sex, hate to say. And the sites that aren’t about the booty are usually filled with racist, narrow-minded idiots.
The anger, malice, and hatred that I am met with in Black gay male spaces when I attempt to be a sexually realized being in those spaces has always perplexed me… I have experienced little more than rejection from Black gay male community and have relied largely on Black straight identified men “trade” for sexual affirmation.
While my experiences aren’t the same as Karsh and Kevin’s, I hear similar complaints all the time from black, gay men (“Men are worthless”, “You can’t have a relationship with a man”, “Gay men are shallow”). It’s tempting to fall in line with that type of thinking.
The thing is, I’ve been in a couple of longterm relationships. And a good many of my friends are in them as well. I know it exists because I see it all the time. We could certainly use more role models. At Together In Love, Melvin asked “Why are we, as gay black men, hiding our lives and successful relationships from the world?”.
I have some ideas on that but let me refrain from putting the cart before the horse. I’m not ready for a full on relationship right now. All I’m asking is to meet a considerate, sexy, smart man who compliments and inspires me to be my full self. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?
You know Spring is approaching when blogger’s sites turn to thoughts of love.
I will have lived in NYC 9 years come June, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of dates I’ve been on. I don’t think anyone knows what dating is or how to do it. There are no role models or books to reference. Everyone is left to figure it out on their own. With so many confusing and conflicting definitions, no one nobody gets it right.
At this rate, I’d do a cartwheel if I even got a return phone call from a dude.
I’d do two cartwheels and a somersault if anyone even ASKED for my phone number.
There’s a new website called Lovetastic that a friend recently mentioned in passing. The focus is finding love, so there are no bootycall-related fields to fill out when creating your free profile. Sounds cute as the blush-toned design scheme, but that particular dating pool seems to lack the color that I need. And, even though I’m more than a freak, I still am a freak.
*deep breath* … *sigh*
Eh. I understand that companionship is a very human need, but I always felt that when people “looked” or placed themselves firmly in the game, their motives come across a little contrived. I’ve found that when you didn’t look, you were more likely to find, and less likely to be disappointed. I gave up the online dating game. When I went to clubs and parties, it was to unwind and hang with friends. I was being myself. None of it was under the pretense of looking for a date. I was available and open, but not actively looking.
Then I found.
Yeah, there is a definite polarity when it comes to gay meeting sites. Either we are wanton sex robots or eunuchs looking to adopt Romanian babies. The innumerable greys are somewhat trickier to code, perhaps?
Even when you’re open to dating outside of your race, it comes with its own set of challenges as discussed in AfterElton’s latest article Crossing the Gay Color Lines.
So i’m not alone in wanting a date??????????? I’m shocked as I thought that something was wrong with me.
It does seem that Black men ( I have no experience with any others) don’t know how to date. I have only met 2 brothers in the last 2 years that actually wanted to leave the house and GO OUT on a date.
But you know what? I have NOT and WILL Not become bitter and jaded in dealing with brothas. Once you start that, people can sense it and they will avoid you. And the sad part is that you won’t even know why.
I’m on my third LTR. Two that lasted over 5 years and my current which stands and 2 years and 6 months. Surprisingly we met in a bar when neither of us were actively looking. I think it helps that we met doing something we like, going out and hanging with friends. If you can meet a man while doing something in common I think you’ll increase your chances. It may not be a bar perse but maybe a gay quilting club (lol) or activist group is where your man awaits you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been hearing that advice my whole life. When I do the things I find interesting—going to the theatre, sporting events, museums, outdoor activities, eating in nice restaurants, listening to jazz—I wind up in the company of single females and heterosexuals. Black gay men only want to hang out in clubs and bars, two places I find incredibly uninteresting.
Bernie, your claim “Black gay men only want to hang out in clubs and bars” is a bit simplified but I get your point. I love theatre, museums, concerts and dining. But these things are not as popular amongst blacks, overall (at least, not the type of events I like; I’m not counting Tyler Perry films).
To be honest, how often do straight men get together, without females, to catch a gallery opening or independent film? It’s not just black gay men who shun the arts. I’ve been blessed to have friends who enjoy a variety of activities (well, until recently). As you pointed out, the numbers aren’t there.
Chris has a good point about sharing things in common with your potential partner. But when you are attracted to activities not shared by the majority of your dating pool, that can be tricky.
Another great topic! Dating as black men looking for other black men is AWFUL. The pickings are just plain weird from where I stand. If, you are not into da club thing like me, just where are you to meet a guy who wants the same things in life as you do? Church to get insulted? Web-sites? No thanks, most are looking for “thugs,” or other characters that I as a 40 year old man can’t relate to, or anything but a black guy. And, then on most of these web-sites, 95% of the posters say anything but black men, and the 5% who do want to date you want you for one particular sex act only, so, children, some of us are in a major pickle, especially those who don’t live in areas that have a large black population, gay or straight. maybe its time to adopt a child, not from Romania of course for me, I’ll go the Madonna way, obscure African nation!
But, seriously, just where can a black man meet another black man for a real date and hopefully a relationship? Is there such a place? Such a web-site, such a bar, side trip to Mars maybe?
I want a black man with muscles. They make me do anyhting just by looking at them. That’s my weakness. Please I am desperate. Help me. If you fit my criteria, please contact me on [email removed]
Amon (and anyone else who had doubts), this is not a mandingo hook up site. Your comment represents part of the problem; not the solution.
I would like to meet black men only, age and looks not important, and I want to treat you like my husband!
Well I may be a little late to the conversation but I guess I have my own story to tell.
I just recently broke off a 10yr long relationship. I am black he is white. Funny enough we did go out on a few dates first. I am a hopeless (ful) romantic so the idea of a date appealed to me greatly.
Now this, I have found that in the past 10yrs the dating scene and angle has changed. I got lucky with my ex in that we did not play any kind of game of cat and mouse. These days it does seem as tho the game of chase is running rampant if it is not a hookup. I guess I am finding that I don’t like the game and have gone on a voluntary drought. No ding a ling until we actually go on more than one date. No hookups… too dangerous.
I for the longest time thought of myself as an almost extinct breed of gay black male. I am not on the DL. My family friends and coworkers know I am gay. I am out and proud in public. I want a meaningful relationship. I know what commitment really means and I am not too hard on the eyes.
It is good to find I am not an almost extinct breed. I have done 10yrs… you guys can too. Good luck!
Now let me try to find someone to date, don’t know if my labido can handle too long of a drought. LOL.