Dude, Where’s My Ass?

Weight loss side effects

by j. brotherlove

I’ve lost weight!

I wish I could tell you it’s due to some well-crated balance of diet and exercise but that would be a lie. I took a haphazard approach. And like most ill-planned endeavors, my weight loss project has yielded mix results.

The pounds snuck up on me over the past year. I don’t own a scale so the only time I get a check on the numbers is at the doctor’s office. When I was told I was significantly over 200 lbs I was like “oops”. Luckily, I have the height to mask minor weight fluctuations but really, things were getting out of hand!

Not that the boys complain, mind you. Our publications and ads may be adorned by gym bunnies and skinny bitches. But the average black folk likes a little meat on our bones. (This could lead into a rant about the difference in body types between the white and black gay communities and our to addiction to body image. But I’ll table that for another post.) Suffice it to say, I get more attention when I’m heavier.

But I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. So I changed my diet and, thanks to a ridiculously hot summer, dropped over 15 pounds. I’m really liking the change but recently, I noticed my ass has disappeared. Actually, it was Loverboy who pointed it out “What happened to your butt?” he asked as I gleefully modeled my “skinny jeans” for him. I dismissed his comment because well… these are my skinny jeans dammit! But later, as I passed a mirror I thought “Dude, where’s my ass?”

To be honest, my humps have never been my calling card (despite what some people think). But these days, a boy needs options. In fact, having an ass you can shake is de rigeur for the kids. Or, something… like… that…

I suppose I need to add squats and lunges to my exercise plan. Oh, and while I’m at it, I should probably start an exercise plan. Man, I’ll be glad when I win the lottery and can pay someone to go to the gym and walk around telling people he’s me. Until then, I can’t go around looking like a victim of NASATALL.

As a skinny bitch I felt the same when I ate my way up to a size 32 waist jean last spring. It does sneak up on you. I went back on the vodka diet and the pounds melted away.

I loathe exercise, but I recently took on increasing my fruit & veg intake, and reducing my crappy food intake, with modest results. I’m trying to be accountable for it on my blog.

I’m tired of being stuck +15 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight. It may be true that nursing is good for weight loss, but they forget to tell you that you have an apetite like a teenage boy.

honey, you’re gonna need an ass if you’re gonna continue living in atlanta :)